ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!