Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need