If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments