Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Why do meteors always land in craters?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?