I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
new year update: losing everything but weight
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
scared to check what name she chose
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster