Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.