It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles