My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?