*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff