Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
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I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
any last words?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I think my mom just blocked me
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead