JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car