– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You Might Also Like
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.