due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Yup….perfect score!
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.