Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark