I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
who will stop them
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.