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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!