I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Ghost costume 😂
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes