How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
New comic up. “Ransom”