Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
You Might Also Like
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms