Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.