*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
relationship goals
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
“I FIXED IT!”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.