6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
You Might Also Like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I am having an out of money experience.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.