I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
You Might Also Like
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.