Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
You Might Also Like
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.