[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Very good news from my accountant
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE