#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
You Might Also Like
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
#JohnTravolta
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”