FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Just a friendly reminder!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂