Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Friday
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Bike for sale
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
crochet youtube is brutal
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)