Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
SCARY COSTUME
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’