Europe. Made in Germany.
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Peace was never an option
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.