“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.