boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
LOOOOOOL
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
How times have changed.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
when someone compliments me