Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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doing some research
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Ah yes. The three genders
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.