My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Carpe DM
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.