This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
You Might Also Like
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
taking June’s advice to heart
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.