The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention