Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The devil.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.