Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
barbara was highly relatable
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.