My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast