The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
*watches the world burn*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
In Canada they just call them geese
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*gets down on one knee*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.