“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.