my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
You Might Also Like
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Bro what is this
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp