My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant