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Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
no their not
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.