Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right