The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Interior design 👌
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Pickled cat.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.