Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
kids play hide and seek like
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero