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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.