I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda