When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
This is not me but this is me
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.